By Dr. Laura Markham
“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” – Haim Ginott
We’re our child’s first teachers. They learn everything from us: what’s up or down, red or blue, right or wrong. They believe what we tell them, and rely on us to interpret the world: “That’s HOT, Don’t touch!… Now we wash our hands… We can walk now that the light is green… We always… We never… This is how we do it… The sky is blue”.
So what happens when they hear: “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t glued on… That was a dumb thing to do… You drive me crazy… Why can’t you… You never… You always…”?
Or overhear: “You won’t believe the day I’ve had with that kid… He’s so irresponsible… She never does her chores without me hounding her… He can’t control himself… She has such a temper….“?
They believe it.
Even if they don’t show it, even if they act like they don’t care, on some level our children believe everything we say about them.
This could demoralise every parent at times, because we’ve all said things that we later wish we hadn’t. But instead, let’s use it to our advantage, and to our children’s advantage. Why not leverage our children’s trust in what we say to empower them to become their best selves?
Even if they don’t show it, even if they act like they don’t care, on some level our children believe everything we say about them.
Our words don’t have to be perfect. But what we believe will eventually come out of our mouths. So what if we practised these four habits?
1. Empower your child by seeing her best self.
Research shows that kids’ beliefs determine their behaviour. When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see.
- “I saw that you got frustrated with your brother, but you were able to stop yourself from yelling at him”.
- “Wow, you read that whole book yourself!”.
- “I’ve noticed that you’re remembering to brush your teeth now without being reminded most of the time”.
- “You did your chore with only one reminder! Thank you!”.
- “You’re working so hard on that homework”.
Notice that these are specific observations about what your child is actually doing, rather than global pronouncements like “You’re smart”, which aren’t provable, and which kids may argue with in their own minds.
When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see.
2. Empower your child by problem-solving instead of labelling.
If you’re offering your child guidance about something, stick to what’s happening right now and empower your child to solve it. “You always forget to…” makes him the problem, and programmes him to keep forgetting.
Instead, try “It’s hard to remember. How do you think you can help yourself remember tomorrow?”. This acknowledges that he has a problem that other people sometimes have also, and helps him move from being the problem to becoming the problem solver. Just focus on how he can remember this one time, and he’ll start to see that he’s a kid who can support himself to remember, more and more often. Comment especially on any progress in the “right direction”, even if it isn’t perfect. We all need encouragement to keep plugging away towards a goal.
